Prague is a Tragedy
Prague is a tragedy. Yes, it’s beautiful. The kind of place that looks like a painting. Every building has character, and the streets feel like a movie set. But for me, it’s not just a fairytale city. It’s where something heavy started, and it will forever hold that part in my story: a chapter I didn’t see coming, a beautiful and bruised memory.
In November 2019, my ex-company, Analytics Fire, a remote software engineering startup, sent everyone to Prague for our annual all-hands meeting. We were a small team from all over the world. In 2017, we met in Kraków. In 2018, our visas were denied, so only the non-Filipino employees made it to Barcelona. This Prague trip felt long overdue, and, for me, it came at a time when I was really struggling.
We had five full days of meetings, but we’d also go out every morning and night (before and after the meetings). Guided tours, dinner, drinks. It was cold. The sun never came out, not even once. Parang laging may takip yung langit. And honestly, kahit masaya dapat, I felt off the whole time. Gloom seemed to cling to everything. Prague is a tragedy in that way. It was something so beautiful on the outside, but it was weighed down by what it meant for me inside.
On the fifth night, when the official weeklong activities concluded, we drank. A lot. It was fun, but deep down, I had a feeling I might be pregnant. I ignored it. Bahala na. I wanted to feel normal. I was tired, emotionally and physically. My marriage wasn’t in a good place then, and I just wanted to forget everything for a while. I cried a couple of times during this trip when people would ask me if everything was all right, as they could see I wasn’t looking okay.
On Day 7, the last day before heading back to Manila, I went around Old Town alone. It was freezing, and my nose was bleeding from the cold. I walked for hours, with no real plan, just trying to clear my head. I was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, but I felt utterly alone.
When I got back to the hotel, I went to a nearby mall, bought a pregnancy test from a pharmacy, and confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant. I flew back to Manila carrying that secret. Unsure, scared, confused. A few weeks later, I had a miscarriage. That baby would’ve been our second child.
Sometimes I think, what if I didn’t drink so hard that night? What if I had been more careful? What if my marriage had been happy all along? Would things have turned out differently?
Now, years later, I have three amazing kids. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But sometimes, in quiet moments, lalo na kapag I ponder how comfortable our life is these days, I think about what could’ve been. About the child I never got to meet. About that cold day in Prague when everything changed without anyone knowing.
Prague is a tragedy. A place most people see as magical, but for me, it will always be more than that.
Not every trip leaves you with good memories. Some leave you with questions, regrets, and pain you learn to carry. And that’s what Prague is for me. Beautiful, yes. But heavy. Always.
Thanks for reading!
